Raising Harvey Weinstein

“Nanay, pinakita sa akin ni Harvey* ‘yong pututuy niya…” ("Mom, Harvey showed me his penis…")

Said my daughter, in all her 6-year old innocence. She just got home from school. These were her words the moment she saw me. I was shocked, angry, worried, and confused, all at the same time. I didn’t know what to say. I had one rule for myself whenever I was in front of my daughter: to never ever flinch, whatever negative thing she says to me. So I didn’t. I gave myself a long moment to regain my composure so I could calmly ask her: what did you say???

“Pinakita nga ni Harvey ‘yong pututuy niya kanina sa akin sa school. Tapos tumakbo ako sa loob ng classroom and sinabi ko sa classmates namin. Tapos nagtawanan sila. Tapos umiyak si Harvey.” ("Harvey showed me his penis in school. Then I ran inside the classroom and told my classmates. Then they laughed. Then Harvey cried.")

Wait, I said. Slow down. How did it happen?

She said she was on her way out of the girls’ restroom when she came face to face with Harvey, who also just came out of the boys’ restroom. He was still zipping his pants when, all of a sudden, he turned to face her and showed her his penis. My daughter then ran to their classroom, and, like she said, announced it to the whole class. Some of their classmates came rushing out of the room, catching Harvey in the hallway, still not done zipping his pants. And being kids, they laughed about it, and at Harvey, who must have felt so embarrassed that he cried. 

My daughter did not report the incident to the teacher because she did not see anything wrong with what happened. The teacher ended up telling her off for making Harvey cry, without asking what actually happened.

I was livid. But I couldn’t show my rage to my daughter because it might scare her and keep her from coming to me in case this happened again (and in our society, it will). So I had to calmly explain to her that what Harvey did was very wrong. I reminded her that private parts were called such because they were to be kept private at all times, and that no one should see or touch her private parts except herself, me, and doctors, but always in my presence. She nodded. I also emphasized to her that if it happened again, she must immediately tell me or her teachers. 

It was at this point that I became a little ambivalent. On the one hand, I wanted to impart to my daughter that incidents like this should be reported to the authorities right away, and not announced to classmates who would make fun of the offender. On the other hand, the angry mother inside me thought, “Well that little pervert deserved the humiliation. Why should he not be shamed for what he did?” The reasonable mother prevailed, so I told my daughter not to do that again, to humiliate Harvey or anyone who did that to her. I told her that the right thing to do would be to report to the adults so that they could deal with him and punish him the right way.

I said I would talk to her teacher about it, so that they could call the attention of Harvey and his parents and make them apologize for what he did. And I wanted the apology in writing not just by Harvey, but by his parents. I only asked for an apology and a promise that he would not do it again because I personally knew Harvey, and he was a good boy. Shy, helpful, polite, and intelligent. He even defended my daughter against another classmate who was trying to bully her. Besides, I did not want to escalate the matter unnecessarily, because in case this happened again, I wanted to have more options for possible courses of action. 

I thought out loud and told my daughter that Harvey might deny doing what he did. Props to my intelligent little girl who said, “May CCTV sa hallway!” (“There’s a CCTV in the hallway!”) Now we had proof. 

I sent a long text message to my daughter’s adviser and to the school administrator, detailing the incident and my demands. I also said that I wanted to meet with the parents to make sure that they taught their son not to repeat this reprehensible behavior. The school assured me that they would let the parents know, and that they would coordinate with all the parties involved for the meeting.

Days passed, and still I had not heard anything from the parents. Not even a text message. The rage was beginning to bubble up again inside me. But I kept my calm. Breathe in, breathe out.

Then it happened again. It. Fucking. Happened. Again.

This time, my daughter, Harvey, and some of their other classmates got to school early and were waiting at the lobby before they were allowed to go to their classroom. My daughter walked over to her friend, who was sitting beside Harvey. She turned to her friend to talk, at which point, Harvey raised her skirt from behind. She turned to face him right away and told him off. She also reported the matter to the teaching assistant nearest her. Apparently, the teaching assistant did not find it necessary to report to the adviser or to the school administrator. This says a lot about how this kind of offense is perceived and responded to in our society.

I sent another long text message to the adviser and the school administrator, emphasizing the urgent need for disciplinary action for the erring student. I made sure to send a message, and not just call, so that there would be evidence that they were notified of the incident. I again got assurances that the matter would be dealt with immediately. Fortunately, the parent-teacher conference was coming up. I took that opportunity to talk to the adviser and the principal about these two incidents, and repeated my demands vehemently. 

Within the following 2 days, they were able to set a meeting with the parents of the boy, and to retrieve the CCTV footages of both incidents. I was relieved, because I was afraid that the parents of the boy might deny everything and say that their son could not have done such disgusting acts.

I looked forward to the day that I would come face to face with Harvey’s parents. I psyched myself up and planned and schemed and practiced the things that I wanted to say. I was so pumped on the day that we were supposed to meet. I was ready for war.

When I entered the administrator’s office, Harvey’s mom was already there, looking dejected, with tears in her eyes. I knew then that the war was over before it even began. As I approached my seat, Harvey’s mother took my hand and apologized profusely. She told me, in so many words, that her son admitted what he did to my daughter in both instances, that they had already talked to their son and made sure that he learned his lesson, and that they meted their own punishment on him to teach him about accountability. She said that they could not believe that he was capable of doing that, since he had always been a good student and a good son, and that he had never been in trouble before. I asked if it was possible that he saw and learned such behavior from someone in their household. She told me that the only males in their house were her husband and Harvey’s 4-year old brother. He could not have possibly learned it from them. We then proceeded to view the footage, at which point, Harvey’s mom again felt so ashamed that she could hardly look at the CCTV monitor. She was wringing her hands and shaking her head in disbelief. I was also stunned to see the incident for myself. It was hard to believe that a “good kid” like Harvey would engage in such perverse behavior, and absolutely unprovoked at that. I cannot imagine how his mother must have felt.

I suggested to the administrator that proper behavior, respect, and sexual harassment should be part of the school curriculum, to equip the children with the information that they need to prevent these incidents from happening and to defend and protect themselves should they need to. I also said that the teachers and other school personnel should be trained on how to prevent these from happening and how to address the situation in case it happened. The school administrator assured me that they already had similar topics in their curriculum about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. She told me that they would definitely conduct more trainings for the teachers and school personnel, and for the children as well. Harvey’s mom reiterated that they would continue talking to their sons about the matter and to teach them to respect the private space and the person of each and every one of their classmates, whether girl or boy. I told both the school administrator and the parent that if this happened again, I would not hesitate to demand Harvey’s expulsion from the school.

This underscores the importance of beginning early in teaching our children about respect, and about sexual harassment. There are people who would claim that what Harvey did was fine and done without malice, so it did not need to be addressed. There are some who will even go so far as to praise Harvey for being “manly” or “lalaking-lalaki” because of how he acted towards my daughter. This kind of thinking, this patriarchal ignorance and insensitivity, are precisely the reason why catcalling is seen as normal, why women and girls find it extremely difficult to come forward when they are victimized by these disgusting predators, and why so few are held accountable for such deplorable acts.

We should all start early — as early as preschool — to teach every child that her body is hers and hers alone, that no one else owns that body, that no one else can decide what to do with it, and that no one should be allowed to defile it. We should teach very young children to respect their classmates and friends, to not shame them, their bodies, and their sexuality. We must inculcate in their young minds that it is not right to think that one sex is superior over the other, that males have the right to do whatever they please to females, and that engaging in sexual harassment is the “manly” thing to do. They must learn that there is nothing to gain when they disrespect their peers, and when men disrespect women. They must know that such disrespect diminishes their accomplishments, ruins their self-esteem, and destroys their relationships. These things must be repeated to them over and over again, starting from when they are very young, until the point when it becomes a habit, when it becomes second nature to them.

And when someone falls victim to these offensive acts, they should be encouraged to immediately come forward and seek redress, without fear of reprisal. They should not be subjected to relentless victim-blaming and slut-shaming. While it is up to them to prove their allegation, as is required by law, their character should not be attacked and their person assaulted. There should be no disincentive for coming forward, shedding light on these offenses, and demanding accountability.

Finally, we must ensure, as a society, that these perverse acts do not go unpunished. Towards this end, the Department of Education issued Department Order No. 40, series of 2012,  entitled "DepEd Child Protection Policy", which outlines the duties and responsibilities of the various offices under the Deped, of the school and the school personnel, and of students themselves to protect school children from abuse, violence, exploitation, discrimination, bullying and other forms of abuse. In addition, the offenders may likewise be penalized under other laws such as those pertaining to sexual harassment, child abuse, acts of lasciviousness, and rape. The offenders must feel the full force of the law, which must consistently be applied to proven cases. They must suffer the adverse consequences of their acts, instead of the victims slinking away into oblivion with their heads bowed in shame. 

We must start early. Only then will we ensure that we do not raise perverts in our homes and in our schools. Let us not raise rapists and pedophiles and sexual offenders in our midst, who will prey on us and our children. We have to nip this evil in the bud.

*not his real name